Trixie’s Tiny Taverna ♥ Episode 4 – Comedy podcast and book review

This week Trixie talks about gangsters and queefing, as well as the usual book review, advice on fashion and lifestyle, health and fitness tips…

Click here to watch this comedy podcast on YouTube, featuring queefing, gangsta’s, book reviews and advice on fashion, lifestyle and health and fitness.

Full Transcript

 

Hello! Welcome to the T.T.T., I hope you’re all feeling relaxed, and ready for me.

And first, the news. This week saw a giant blanket being officially pulled over America.

All free thinking ideas will now bounce off the blanket and be propelled towards radical free thinking countries like Germany and Sweden.

My book, Facebook Blues, went to number one, but then I realized it was a dream, and I wept quietly.

 

LOVE: This weeks love goes to the fantastic, spunky Shirley Bassey. I was Shirley’s underwear arranger in the early 80’s, and let me assure you I have never come across gussets as sparkly as shirley’s.
I am ashamed to say that I did steal a pair…

-Here they are. I often have them out to remind me of those days. (sniffs them)

I can even faintly smell her. (holding sequinned knickers)

Emails; This one is from a Mrs Evelyn Felch, from Lincolnshire, and she writes;

Dear Trixie, I cant stop eating ginger snaps, since I suffered a nerve-wracking encounter whilst in my husbands car. A man came up behind me from nowhere.

He had an unstable load which he emptied all over the Audi Rich Special 6 series. Please help.

Dear Mrs Felch, how frustrating. Audi’s are one of my favourites. Luckily the Rich special injection has leather interior, and eggshell spray exterior for easy cleaning.

The back up support team are very competitive. I do hope your husband has recovered after this terrible shock.

 

This weak email touches on a very delicate subject. It’s by 17 year old Diane Grunge, from The Hill, Bedfordshire, and she says,

Dear Trixie, The other night I was having a romantic encounter with my boyfriend, and as the passion ran high, I opened my legs, and the most horrendous and embarrassing thing in my life happened.

I can only describe it how it seemed, as if a man had crawled up my pum-pum and was belching loudly to be let out.
My boyfriend has since left me, and I am feeling mortified. Is there something wrong with me? Please, please help.

Well, firstly Diane, this is a perfectly normal thing and if it sounds like this

(windy sound),

it is called a Lady-Queef, or Big girls Sneeze, Gina’s Roar, Sea Breeze, Sloppy Jo, and many more.
I would say you have a large healthy Foo-foo.

Here is the singing duet, Dwayne and Marlene, with their 1962 hit; Queefing Love, which I believe was their only hit.

(Clip of Dwayne and Marlene sitting on stools singing Queefing Love.)

Marlene) You’ll be queefing on me
Dwayne) I’ll be queefing on you
Together) Queefing Love

 

I do believe that shortly after their brief fame, Marleen committed suicide, and Dwayne went into hiding. I hope this explains everything for you, Miss Grunge.

 

Now to a personal matter, It’s really quite funny. A week ago I ordered A George Foreman Special edition Gold Plated Grill.

Well you can imagine my surprise when I received this…

 

( holds up grill, and then puts in mouth. Hip hop music plays, and Trixie dances.)

Beaches and Hoes, I’ll put a cap on your head… mother fluffer!

Oh dear, I seem to have come over all gangster.

 

Tonight my great, great, great Grandson is taking me to a rave, which is why I’ve got my best of gear on. He assures me I’ll be in ecstasy.
Mmm. I’ll let you know next week, how it went.

 

Now for the On the Spit Spoon In –

 

“Hello! David Dangler here. I’ve heard all about this Cock Twerking. My Grandson’s been ‘avin a go”

-Oooh, and how’s he doing?

“Well I’m feeling bewildered by the whole thing. Thank you.”

-Good luck, Mr Dangler. For those of you who didn’t see the video, here it is.

( plays again).

I wonder if Twerking Cocks will explode into our gyms. I’m sure ladies memberships would increase all over the country. Ladies, lets keep our eyes on those cocks.

Book review.

This week I review the Feminist classic, Get your Tits Out by Delia Butch.
Delia is a great friend of mine, after we water sported together for a summer, in Florida.
She sadly disappeared, shortly after the writing of her novel. She was Miss Butchdyke 1992.

This is a picture of her. If anyone recognises her please let your local police know.
(pic of Delia)

 

Comedy; Facebook Blues, by Me, and I will keep saying how desperately funny it is.

Romance: Lady’s Fancy by Colonel Pickering. A truly moving tale of a man’s love for his horse.

 

Here are the answers to last weeks question: What is the perfect car to have fun frolics in?

Mrs Ann Lash, from Piddleton, Surrey thinks the Mini Cooper is the best, as she is only 3 feet 6 inches tall.

 

Mr A-Drain Slop, says that any Skoda fits the right requirements especially in the extreme wet.

 

A Ms. Charlene Poultry, from Lower Hole in Cornwall says, everyone has it wrong, and when it comes to good old thrusting and bruising, then Farm vehicles are the best. ( Trixie smiles)

I think I would have to agree with this myself, having once spent a night in a tractor, with an over enthusiastic Farm hand. I should have realized she knew how to handle her machinery.

Personally, I prefer a Bentley.

 

So this weeks question: Airbags. Can you tell if they are real, simply by touching them?
I have played with my good friend, Mag’s, and I couldn’t tell, even after I had rolled them round my mouth.

Answers to me at the usual address trixiebloom@hotmail.com, Twitter as trixie_bloom, Instagram and Facebook as trixiebloom.author.
Find out the latest, and subscribe to my newsletter at my website, trixiebloom.com

(Trixie dances with the grill in.)
Remember to love and laugh, we must all care for each other.

This weeks programme was sponsored by Fat girls Cup cakes.
Cakes you cant put down.

(music plays out)

 

 

 

 

All of Trixie’s videos can be found at Trixie Bloom’s YouTube channel

Trixie Bloom is the author of Facebook Blues, a high camp comedy with fifty shades of funny. http://amzn.to/2vhrruC

and, Trixercise – a parody on exercise and diet –
http://amzn.to/2wCH4Ms

Find out the latest at http://trixiebloom.com

 

Trixie’s Tiny Taverna ♥ Episode 3 – Comedy podcast and book review

This week Trixie meets special guest star Daneerys Targarden, from Game of Thrones, and talks about vegetables, Karen Carpenter and bricklaying…

Click here to watch this comedy podcast on YouTube, featuring special guest from Game of Thrones, book reviews and advice on fashion, lifestyle and health and fitness.

Full Transcript

 

Welcome to the T.T.T. , Trixies Tiny Taverna.

And first, this weeks news.

In America the latest diet craze is sweeping the nation. Air-munching, filmed here, is taking hold of young and old.
(pic)
I tried it myself for 2 days, but then I felt very light headed, and returned to munching food.

Love; This week I pay tribute to the beautiful Karen Carpenter, and Chas from the comedy duo, Chas and Dave.

We all had a wild night of passion in 1971 after the Gwen Guthrey music awards, drinking Tequila slammers, and NiQuil.

This is a sample of the song I believe Chas recorded with Karen that night, I myself love it.

(plays spliced together mix of their songs – “Heartbreaks and Promises, got my beer on the sideboard ‘ere, we’ve only just begun, to rabbit, rabbit…”)

 

Now for emails –

A 42 year old Stan Knobby, of Mansfield, Nottingham asks;
Do vegetables grow in plastic bags all over the world?

Well, here in poverty-stricken rural Spain, where I do my charity work, the peasants actually grow their vegetables in real soil.

I was actually eating these veg myself, until I found out the composition of the soil. It’s made from all kinds of poo and corpses.
(picture of some poo, and some skeletons)

So, I’ve gone back to plastic bags. Here is a locally grown vegetable
( holds it up)
All it took was 15 gallons of local water, fetched twice a day by hand, and 3 broken spinal discs in the back
of the man that grew them.

I hope this helps Mr Knobby

I am only reading out one e-mail this week, as it’s a special episode.
I am very excited to be able to say, that here at the T.T.T. today, I have a guest –
-Danee-ree’s Tar-garden, from The wonderful Game of Thrones.

(fake clapping)

-Hello, Dennis!

“Alright…”

-How do you like being one of the world’s best known characters?
D – “It’s awright, gets me loads of juicy scran, and plenty of hole. You wouldn’t believe the amount of cock I’ve had since I’ve been on the set”

(D pulls a chicken out, while a cockerel noise plays).
(D grabs his crotch, drinks some beer, opens his mouth and does a giant belch.)

-Honestly, I wish all my viewers were here just to see the uncanny resemblance. Well I can say I am totally smitten with her as Delores Stinkborn Tagnut. May I touch your leg?

(D shrugs his shoulders, sticks his leg straight out. As Trixie rubs it, D lets out a big long fart. Trixie acts as if nothing has happened, smiling at the camera)

So, now it’s over to our real live phone-in –

“Hello, the name’s Tim Tremble. Are the dragons real?”

(D tuts, swears, leans over and cuts the phone off)

“Hello, Daisy Roadkill from Rochester here. What’s the best thing you’ve done as Danee-ree’s Tar-garden?

D – “Well, I shagged a dwarf, and made a new hole in a few people”

“ disgusting!…” (she hangs up)

-Next…

“ Orl-right? This is Dave Smith, from Romford in Essex. I’d like to know, is that your real hair?”

D – “Yes, but I tie it up when I’m bricky-ing”

“Ooh! Nice, and how long would you say it is?”

D – “About 21 inches”

“Whooo, yep that is well impressive, mate.“

-Thank you, to all our callers. That’s all we have time for.

So, Dee, do you do every occasion dressed as your character – Delilah Stinkbomb?”

D – “I’ll go to the opening of a crack if you pay me”

-How does it feel to be chased down the street?

D – “I don’t wear the costume all the time, I’m a bricky.”

-Oh my! How much to repair a wall?

D – “It depends…”

-It’s a very small job, round the back. Just a case of filling the hole.
(Trixie leans into him) We’ll discuss it afterwards…

(Book review)

-Well, today the only book review is from Genghis, would you please sign it for me?

(Trixie hands it to Danee-ree’s Tar-garden, who signs and hands it back)

-How did you like my book – Facebook Blues?

D – (burps), “Well, I loved it. The emotional pull towards the characters, the easy flow, and what happens next, is staggeringly brilliant. I couldn’t stop laughing. Sensational, and in my top 10 books”

(Trixie smiles, leans forward and kisses him, while rubbing his leg)

-Over to last weeks question: How thin is too thin?
Well, if you look like this on the dance floor, ladies, you are showing way too much bone.

(Video of skeleton dancing.)

This answer is from 16 year old Levi, from Milton Keynes, who simply says –
My friend is so thin, she can post herself. I think this is too thin, although I would have to say, that everyone has a different size box.

Ms. Ivy Turncoat says; – My friend is so thin I often lose her, and end up going home alone. I inevitably find her later, stuck to my clothing or shoes.

A Mr Peter Frump, says he likes a skinny woman, as he is 6 foot 3 inches tall, and weighs 7 stone, that’s 44 kilos.
He says his girlfriend is about the same height, and weight, and they strike an impressive couple, often causing people to stare.

-Well it’s a passionate subject, I think you’ll agree.

And to this weeks question; – What is the best make of car to cavort in?

Answers to the usual places, trixiebloom@hotmail.comFacebook and Instagram as trixiebloom.author, or Twitter me senseless as @trixie_bloom

I’d like to thank todays guest, (clapping), and I’ll meet you round the back in a moment.

I’ll see you next time, remember to laugh and love, we must ALL care for each other.

Today’s show was bought to you by Dry Tunnel Thrush Cream, for the concerned lady.

(Dry Tunnel Logo)

(music plays out)

 

 

All of Trixie’s videos can be found at Trixie Bloom’s YouTube channel

Trixie Bloom is the author of Facebook Blues, a high camp comedy with fifty shades of funny. http://amzn.to/2vhrruC

and, Trixercise – a parody on exercise and diet –
http://amzn.to/2wCH4Ms

Find out the latest at http://trixiebloom.com

 

Trixie’s Tiny Taverna ♥ Episode 2 – Comedy podcast and book review

This week Trixie dives into gay men’s mothers, posture and pantie fresheners…

Click here to watch this comedy podcast on YouTube featuring gay parents, book reviews and advice on fashion, lifestyle and health and fitness.

Transcript

 

Well, what a week it’s been. Thank you for all your emails.
A Mr B. Knuckle said he had never seen anything like my twerking.
Well I did warn you I was a professional. I do hate to undermine substandard dancers.
Thank you, Mr Knuckle.

I also received this –
(holds up gherkin)
– in the post this week, sent anonymously. A note with it simply warns against the dangers of over cock twerking.
Well this is an obvious case of over abuse.
All I can say, if your pickle looks like this, it’s time to stop.

Love; This week I pay homage to the sensational Suzy Quatro
(go to the side picture of Suzie Quatro (pic)

In 1972 when Suzie was on her Naked Under Leather Tour, I was her personal Leather Soaper, and I’m not abashed to admit I fell in Love with her.

Unfortunately we parted badly, as this was when I was heavily into my Botox and Quallude capsule addiction.

Here is one of her songs

(Devil Gate Drive 1974)

(Trixie sings) “So come alive, so come alive, down at the devil, down at the devil gate drive…”

 

Emails:

Firstly, I want to say a big thankyou, to A Mrs Barbara Lunge, from Quimmage on the mount, Quimmage, who endeared my heart.

Dear Trixie, Thank you so so much for writing your book Trixercise. It is invaluble to me now. In only 9 weeks
I have lost so much weight from my cheeks and earlobes that my husband has told me I look almost a month younger. Thank you thank you!

When I read mails like this, it warms me in my small places, and lets me know my constant struggle is worth it.

Slim earlobes are essential for trimming you down. Fat earlopes are an insult to jewelry.

 

A Mrs E. Pickles, of Chancey, Peterborough writes;

Dear Trixie, I am a divorcee, and 58 years old. I am at my wits end with worry, and when I saw your programme last week, I felt a flinching of hope inside me.

I have one child, called Pat, and he is a quite secretive child.
I must admit, over the years I have adopted a pet name for him, and call him Pattie.
As a mother I have tried to give him his privacy, and check up on him regularly.

One month ago, he was in his bedroom with his cousin, and the two of them had been very quiet for a while, so I went upstairs and burst into his room.
Well, I saw Pat giving Oral to Clifford. We all screamed, and Clifford left.
I confronted Pat straight away, and he said they they were only practicing, like giving lessons.

There is now a lot of tension at home, and I’m very worried, as next week its my Pattys 31st birthday, and his cousin will be coming here for the party.

Please please help.

 

Firstly Mrs E Pickles, how in the world can you conclude your son is gay from this?
I applaud anyone who wants to learn a foreign language, and they must be able to practice.

In case you are unsure here is a diagram.
(Diagram shows two stick people standing with speech bubbles, inside them it says Hola in Spanish. )
and here is the other,
(Diagram shows stick figures, one sitting, the other bending over giving him head)

However, here are some signs you can look for:

1. Does he start taking an interest in cooking? (holds up a lovely cake, and smells it) Nice…

2. Is he surprisingly clean, and dressed fabulously. (holds up Skip Tumaloo dressed fab.)

3. He has become articulate, and interested in your needs. (tinseled man off-screen offers a cup of tea)
“Would you like a cup of tea?”

4. Most of all is he fun loving, and his life is full of colour.
(sounds of partying, laughing, a picture of a rainbow)

If the answer to these questions is Yes, then Yes, you have a Gay. (Trixie blows a party blower).
Trust me your life will become fantastic.
No more nights sitting in on your own, weeping with loneliness, wringing your tired, withered hands and worrying if your precious only son is gay.
Get out that dusty party dress, and your stay-fresh panty liner, and hold on to your knickers.

 

Next, A Mr Julian Laird, of Scotland asks;

What is the perfect posture when wearing a kilt?

A wonderful question, and I will demonstrate for you Mr Laird.
I call it posturing, there are 5 different types,

(demonstration)

Erect (stands upright)

Semi-stiff (demonstrates)

Flaccid (demonstrates)

Cock thrust, and this is the one you will be using MR Laird, where you lean back slightly, thrusting your pelvis forward. a good wide stance in the legs.

Good luck to you. (demonstrates)

Breast pluff (demonstates), which can also be used by us ladies.

by the way ladies, Flaccid, is an excellent word to use on men when they become a little ardent.

 

On The Pot Spone-in;

 

Hello, Lillian Gifford from Islington, North London.
At what age should ladies start wearing pantie fresheners?

Its never to early to start, just look at babies. Start popping them in straight away, Mary.
No one wants to smell your gusset.

Ohhh thanks I’m off to the shops then.

 

Book Review:

Drama: The Tiny Tribe of the Sea by Keith Cling.
It held me till about half way, and then it seemed to drift off.

Horror: Blood Bath of Children, by Gloria Angel.
This was highly amusing till almost the end.

Exercise: Trixercise, Loving Yourself Hurts, by me.

 

What can I say. You simply won’t believe it.

 

Now to some answers from last week’s question.
A Mrs June Cramp from Chipping Norton, Oxford, says;
Knickers in general used to be good, but just like men. you cant live without them!

This answer is from someone who simply gives their name as P.
Why wear any at all? Let nature flow between your legs.

I love this one, I think that’s my favourite.

 

71 year old Edith Witch, says that she totally agrees with my sentiments from last week, and maintains that the gusset of today would not have seen her through a world war. She persists with the older style of knicker, even though she does admit to regular chafing.

15 year old Sharon Upstart, from Staines, says;
You’re all a bunch of old bastards, and silk crotches are the future.

 

and this weeks question is:

How thin is too Thin?

Well my friend Laveene is about the size of a spoon, and she has a perfect figure.
She’s not the same height as a spoon, I would like to add.

You can contact me at trixiebloom@hotmail.com, or go to my website – trixiebloom.com,
Instagram, and of course Twitter me senseless.

Thank you for joining me, hug one another, and if there is no-one to hug, hug yourself.
(Trixie demonstrates)

Remember to Love and laugh, we must all care for each other.
Today’s programme was sponsored by;

Radiant Knickers,

Knickers You can Trust.

(music plays out)

 

 

Trixie Bloom is the author of Facebook Blues, a high camp comedy with fifty shades of funny. http://amzn.to/2vhrruC

and, Trixercise – a parody on exercise and diet –
http://amzn.to/2wCH4Ms

Find out the latest at http://trixiebloom.com

 

Trixie’s Tiny Taverna ♥ Episode 1 – Comedy podcast and book review

Comedy podcast featuring Trixie Bloom. Enter her Tiny Taverna, and be amazed!

Click here to watch this comedy podcast on YouTube, featuring cock twerking, book reviews and advice on fashion, lifestyle and health and fitness.

Trixie’s Tiny Taverna – Episode 1

Hello! and welcome to Trixie’s Tiny Taverna, where we discuss all topics without fear.

Last week saw many different fashion trends surface, and eyelashes have become big, I’m so happy to say, being a particular favourite of mine.

Finally the long awaited ban on Courgettes being sold to Minors, having been deemed too sexual a vegetable,

and Love last week mostly took place with myself, and I’m feeling a lot less tense now. In the world of exercise, Twerkacise is huge. I will be discussing this during the show today.

 

E-Mails:

My first email is from a Miss Blousey Smith, from Freckleton, in Blackpool.

She writes, Dear Trixie, I am a vibrant, easily prone to depression, life loving woman with a slightly fuller figure. At a cuddly 26 stone, (that’s 165 in kilos,) I find it hard to pluck up the courage and venture out to meet a man for romance. There is too much loveliness of me, to miss out on the right man. At 50 years old i feel the clock is ticking.

 

Dear Blousey, I would say the clock is now definitely bonging, and as you say, it would have to be the right man. I have thought about your plight, and have come up with the perfect solution.
Purchase a Drone, online, then send your drone out to meet a fat mans drone, and a romance can ensue. A physical encounter would be far more challenging. I also would recommend you purchase my book, Trixercise, to shed some of those, er, Cuddles.

 

This next email from 6 year old Jenima, simply cuts through the dirt.

Jenima asks; Eyelashes, whats the perfect thickness?

I myself prefer a manageable 1 and a quarter ml thick, but i have been known to push it up to a 2 and a half ml, but girls, you must be ready for this thickness. Lash Bonding can easily occur. This is where the bottom and top lashes bond together, causing temporary blindness till someone frees you. Lash Knitting can also happen. This is where the lashes knit together, to form one giant Pyramid Lash.

(holds up drawn diagram).

Please remember these are only my recommendations, ladies have their own own level of comfort regarding thickness.

The next one is very touching, from a very unhappy Miss D. Munch, from Stevenage.

My Vagina muscles have gone very slack, what can I do ?

Well we’ve all been there, but it is unusual for a sixteen year old, as mentioned here, in your email. Young men are particularly prone to dangly testicles, if this is any comfort to you.

I would recommend exercise, particularly the Deep Thrusting Lift, which I feature, and demonstrate in My book – Trixercise, Loving Yourself Hurts.


Available on my website, and all good outlets.

Also placing an ice cube inside your lady purse once a day, and holding it gently till it melts will wake up those fatigued muscles.

Finally my last one, who simply gives his name as Mr Denzil Apre, asks;
Twerking, whats it all about?

I quite agree, just recently Twerkacise classes have exploded into the gyms, and I have been investigating the phenomenon.

Twerking was started originally, way back in the roaring 20’s, by a Jazz man called Lucky Puff. By pure coincidence he knocked over his drink, and in his efforts to try and catch the falling glass, thrust his buttoocks violently from side to side, and inadvertently started the dance craze that was to be taken up nearly a century later.

In Japan… Twerking has reached a whole new level. Cock Twerking is the latest craze, after a Mr M. Ping posted a blog claiming he had increased the size of his penis with Cock Twerking. Apparently the shaft was a full 2 mm longer, and the girth an impressive 3 inches wider.

We have tried to recreate Mr Ping’s video using a Merkin and a Carrot, due to licencing laws, and the forbodance of any penis dancing.

(video of cock twerking).

 [fvplayer src=”http://trixie.lurve.net/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/CockTwerking.large720p.mp4″ splash=”http://trixie.lurve.net/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Screenshot_2017-08-08-18-46-23.png” width=”320″ height=”240″]

As I am a fantastic dancer, I am prepared to show you how to do it.

(Twerking demonstration)

 

PHONE IN- On The Spot,

Trevor Hammond here, from Somerset. I want to ask, can you lose calories if you ejaculate multiple times a day?

A pertinent question, I assume you are referring to Men Mr Hammond?

(slow laugh) Ladies! 

I’ll take that as a yes, and the answer is no, but you may get some wrist tightning, and that could thin your wrist.

I never said it was me… (he hangs up)

Well that was Mr Hammond, no doubt rushing to return to his favourite hobby.

 

 

BOOK REVIEW:

Drama; Pacman Goes to Heaven by Lloyd Feelgood.

I found this tediously predictable.

Romance: 4 Girls in a Bath, by Beth Stench.

This I enjoyed immensely, so much so, I read it twice.

Comedy: Facebook Blues by Trixie Bloom.

Couldn’t put it down. Laughed ’till I finished writing it.

 

PROBING QUESTION, and this weeks probing question is;

Are the knickers of today better than our Mothers and Grandmothers?
You can contact me at trixiebloom@hotmail.com or Instagram, and feel free to Twitter me senseless.

I am actually wearing my Grandmothers Knickers right now, and I can assure you, that the gusset is far more robust than any of these flimsy modern types.

Well that’s all for this episode. Remember to Love and Laugh, we must all care for each other. Tune in next time.

Sponsored by;

Dry Balls Flaky Foot Care. For the discerning gentleman.

(music plays out)

 

Trixie Bloom is the author of Facebook Blues, a high camp comedy with fifty shades of funny. http://amzn.to/2vhrruC

and, Trixercise – a parody on exercise and diet –
http://amzn.to/2wCH4Ms

Find out the latest at http://trixiebloom.com