Trixie’s Tiny Taverna ♄ Episode 5a – New Year Special – Comedy podcast and book review

This New Year (2018) Trixie talks about her New Year resolutions and predictions, as well as the usual book review, startallback download advice on fashion and lifestyle, health and fitness tips


Click here to watch this comedy podcast on YouTube, featuring New Year resoloutions and predictions, book reviews and advice on fashion, lifestyle and health and fitness.

Full Transcript

Trixie starts with a big glass and tequila bottle. She pours, and drinks all of it. - perfectly legal. (smiles) - Hello! and welcome to my Winterval wonderland edition of Trixie's tiny Taverna - The New Year special. Well, let's be happy that's all over, and thank goodness I'm still with you. The mood today, is 'sexable'. Last night I was partying down on a slice of life, and half a Quaalude. I've made a gay altar, (points to altar) and sacrificed one of my Vivian Westward necklace in the hope that my book will go to number 1 this year. I also made some new years resolutions, I'll be putting away this rather tired old cock... (shows Foghorn leghorn and puts to one side) ...and turning my attention, this year, to the pussy. (lifts up the pussy, and kisses it) I'm changing from a eyeliner pencil, to a liquid. (holds up both) I only intend to pass wind when I'm on my own. (farting sounds) I'm definitely going to lose rape, definitely going to lose weight from my fat wrists. And I'm going to start judging people by my own, ludicrously high standards. So this year - Love!: I'll be starting with myself. I'll be bringing in the new year with a through pampering, worshipping myself for 4 or 5 days After that I'll be throwing my handbag into the arena again. The Word of the year, (holds up word) apparently, is 'Skint.' And now, my advice for this year. Remember crying does not shed many calories. Priceless, i think you'll agree. This year's Books. - The best seller this year will be Facebook Blues, (holds up book) my hilarious romantic comedy. Now I'm also excited to say its now available as a special edition hardback. You can only get this for a limited time of 12 years. So hurry. This year's lucky colour is beige. Oh dear. So, I hope you have enjoyed this episode. In my next tiny taverna, I'll be enjoying some 'dog love'. Looking forward to that. Don’t forget, you can subscribe to my channel on YouTube, and Twitter me, I love that. Trixiebloom.com and Facebook. -take care. Remember we must love and laugh; and care for each other. this programme was bought to you by Me. I’m ending with a dance of positivity. giving my fans real treat. The music courtesy of DJ Catflap. (dancing)

 

trixiebloom@hotmail.com, Twitter as trixie_bloom, Instagram and Facebook as trixiebloom.author. Find out the latest, and subscribe to my newsletter at my website, trixiebloom.com

 

(music plays out)

 

 

 

All of Trixie’s videos can be found at Trixie Bloom’s YouTube channel

Trixie Bloom is the author of Facebook Blues, a high camp comedy with fifty shades of funny. http://amzn.to/2vhrruC

and, Trixercise – a parody on exercise and diet –
http://amzn.to/2wCH4Ms

Find out the latest at http://trixiebloom.com

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Trixie’s Tiny Taverna ♄ Episode 4 – Comedy podcast and book review

This week Trixie talks about gangsters and queefing, as well as the usual book review, advice on fashion and lifestyle, health and fitness tips


Click here to watch this comedy podcast on YouTube, featuring queefing, gangsta’s, book reviews and advice on fashion, lifestyle and health and fitness.

Full Transcript

Hello! Welcome to the T.T.T., I hope you’re all feeling relaxed, and ready for me.

And first, the news. This week saw a giant blanket being officially pulled over America.

All free thinking ideas will now bounce off the blanket and be propelled towards radical free thinking countries like Germany and Sweden.

My book, Facebook Blues, went to number one, but then I realized it was a dream, and I wept quietly.

LOVE: This weeks love goes to the fantastic, spunky Shirley Bassey. I was Shirley’s underwear arranger in the early 80’s, and let me assure you I have never come across gussets as sparkly as shirley’s.
I am ashamed to say that I did steal a pair…

Here they are. I often have them out to remind me of those days. (sniffs them)

I can even faintly smell her. (holding sequinned knickers)

Emails; This one is from a Mrs Evelyn Felch, from Lincolnshire, and she writes;

Dear Trixie, I cant stop eating ginger snaps, since I suffered a nerve-wracking encounter whilst in my husbands car. A man came up behind me from nowhere.

He had an unstable load which he emptied all over the Audi Rich Special 6 series. Please help.

Dear Mrs Felch, how frustrating. Audi’s are one of my favourites. Luckily the Rich special injection has leather interior, and eggshell spray exterior for easy cleaning.

The back up support team are very competitive. I do hope your husband has recovered after this terrible shock.

This weak email touches on a very delicate subject. It’s by 17 year old Diane Grunge, from The Hill, Bedfordshire, and she says,

Dear Trixie, The other night I was having a romantic encounter with my boyfriend, and as the passion ran high, I opened my legs, and the most horrendous and embarrassing thing in my life happened.

I can only describe it how it seemed, as if a man had crawled up my pum-pum and was belching loudly to be let out.
My boyfriend has since left me, and I am feeling mortified. Is there something wrong with me? Please, please help.

Well, firstly Diane, this is a perfectly normal thing and if it sounds like this

(windy sound),

it is called a Lady-Queef, or Big girls Sneeze, Gina’s Roar, Sea Breeze, Sloppy Jo, and many more.
I would say you have a large healthy Foo-foo.

Here is the singing duet, Dwayne and Marlene, with their 1962 hit; Queefing Love, which I believe was their only hit.

(Clip of Dwayne and Marlene sitting on stools singing Queefing Love.)

Marlene) You’ll be queefing on me
Dwayne) I’ll be queefing on you
Together) Queefing Love

I do believe that shortly after their brief fame, Marleen committed suicide, and Dwayne went into hiding. I hope this explains everything for you, Miss Grunge.

Now to a personal matter, It’s really quite funny. A week ago I ordered A George Foreman Special edition Gold Plated Grill.

Well you can imagine my surprise when I received this…

( holds up grill, and then puts in mouth. Hip hop music plays, and Trixie dances.)

Beaches and Hoes, I’ll put a cap on your head… mother fluffer!

Oh dear, I seem to have come over all gangster.

Tonight my great, great, great Grandson is taking me to a rave, which is why I’ve got my best of gear on. He assures me I’ll be in ecstasy.
Mmm. I’ll let you know next week, how it went.

Now for the On the Spit Spoon In –

“Hello! David Dangler here. I’ve heard all about this Cock Twerking. My Grandson’s been ‘avin a go”

-Oooh, and how’s he doing?

“Well I’m feeling bewildered by the whole thing. Thank you.”

-Good luck, Mr Dangler. For those of you who didn’t see the video, here it is.

( plays again).

I wonder if Twerking Cocks will explode into our gyms. I’m sure ladies memberships would increase all over the country. Ladies, lets keep our eyes on those cocks.

Book review.

This week I review the Feminist classic, Get your Tits Out by Delia Butch.
Delia is a great friend of mine, after we water sported together for a summer, in Florida.
She sadly disappeared, shortly after the writing of her novel. She was Miss Butchdyke 1992.

This is a picture of her. If anyone recognises her please let your local police know.
(pic of Delia)

Comedy; Facebook Blues, by Me, and I will keep saying how desperately funny it is.

Romance: Lady’s Fancy by Colonel Pickering. A truly moving tale of a man’s love for his horse.

Here are the answers to last weeks question: What is the perfect car to have fun frolics in?

Mrs Ann Lash, from Piddleton, Surrey thinks the Mini Cooper is the best, as she is only 3 feet 6 inches tall.

Mr A-Drain Slop, says that any Skoda fits the right requirements especially in the extreme wet.

A Ms. Charlene Poultry, from Lower Hole in Cornwall says, everyone has it wrong, and when it comes to good old thrusting and bruising, then Farm vehicles are the best. ( Trixie smiles)

I think I would have to agree with this myself, having once spent a night in a tractor, with an over enthusiastic Farm hand. I should have realized she knew how to handle her machinery.

Personally, I prefer a Bentley.

So this weeks question: Airbags. Can you tell if they are real, simply by touching them?
I have played with my good friend, Mag’s, and I couldn’t tell, even after I had rolled them round my mouth.

Answers to me at the usual address trixiebloom@hotmail.com, Twitter as trixie_bloom, Instagram and Facebook as trixiebloom.author.
Find out the latest, and subscribe to my newsletter at my website, trixiebloom.com

(Trixie dances with the grill in.)
Remember to love and laugh, we must all care for each other.

This weeks programme was sponsored by Fat girls Cup cakes.
Cakes you cant put down.

(music plays out)

All of Trixie’s videos can be found at Trixie Bloom’s YouTube channel

Trixie Bloom is the author of Facebook Blues, a high camp comedy with fifty shades of funny. http://amzn.to/2vhrruC

and, Trixercise – a parody on exercise and diet –
http://amzn.to/2wCH4Ms

Find out the latest at http://trixiebloom.com

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Trixie’s Tiny Taverna ♄ Episode 3 – Comedy podcast and book review

This week Trixie meets special guest star Daneerys Targarden, from Game of Thrones, and talks about vegetables, Karen Carpenter and bricklaying


Click here to watch this comedy podcast on YouTube, featuring special guest from Game of Thrones, book reviews and advice on fashion, lifestyle and health and fitness.

Full Transcript

Welcome to the T.T.T. , Trixies Tiny Taverna.

And first, this weeks news.

In America the latest diet craze is sweeping the nation. Air-munching, filmed here, is taking hold of young and old.
(pic)
I tried it myself for 2 days, but then I felt very light headed, and returned to munching food.

Love; This week I pay tribute to the beautiful Karen Carpenter, and Chas from the comedy duo, Chas and Dave.

We all had a wild night of passion in 1971 after the Gwen Guthrey music awards, drinking Tequila slammers, and NiQuil.

This is a sample of the song I believe Chas recorded with Karen that night, I myself love it.

(plays spliced together mix of their songs – “Heartbreaks and Promises, got my beer on the sideboard ‘ere, we’ve only just begun, to rabbit, rabbit
”)

Now for emails –

A 42 year old Stan Knobby, of Mansfield, Nottingham asks;
Do vegetables grow in plastic bags all over the world?

Well, here in poverty-stricken rural Spain, where I do my charity work, the peasants actually grow their vegetables in real soil.

I was actually eating these veg myself, until I found out the composition of the soil. It’s made from all kinds of poo and corpses.
(picture of some poo, and some skeletons)

So, I’ve gone back to plastic bags. Here is a locally grown vegetable
( holds it up)
All it took was 15 gallons of local water, fetched twice a day by hand, and 3 broken spinal discs in the back
of the man that grew them.

I hope this helps Mr Knobby

I am only reading out one e-mail this week, as it’s a special episode.
I am very excited to be able to say, that here at the T.T.T. today, I have a guest –
-Danee-ree’s Tar-garden, from The wonderful Game of Thrones.

(fake clapping)

-Hello, Dennis!

“Alright
”

-How do you like being one of the world’s best known characters?
D – “It’s awright, gets me loads of juicy scran, and plenty of hole. You wouldn’t believe the amount of cock I’ve had since I’ve been on the set”

(D pulls a chicken out, while a cockerel noise plays).
(D grabs his crotch, drinks some beer, opens his mouth and does a giant belch.)

-Honestly, I wish all my viewers were here just to see the uncanny resemblance. Well I can say I am totally smitten with her as Delores Stinkborn Tagnut. May I touch your leg?

(D shrugs his shoulders, sticks his leg straight out. As Trixie rubs it, D lets out a big long fart. Trixie acts as if nothing has happened, smiling at the camera)

So, now it’s over to our real live phone-in –

“Hello, the name’s Tim Tremble. Are the dragons real?”

(D tuts, swears, leans over and cuts the phone off)

“Hello, Daisy Roadkill from Rochester here. What’s the best thing you’ve done as Danee-ree’s Tar-garden?

D – “Well, I shagged a dwarf, and made a new hole in a few people”

“ disgusting!
” (she hangs up)

-Next


“ Orl-right? This is Dave Smith, from Romford in Essex. I’d like to know, is that your real hair?”

D – “Yes, but I tie it up when I’m bricky-ing”

“Ooh! Nice, and how long would you say it is?”

D – “About 21 inches”

“Whooo, yep that is well impressive, mate.“

-Thank you, to all our callers. That’s all we have time for.

So, Dee, do you do every occasion dressed as your character – Delilah Stinkbomb?”

D – “I’ll go to the opening of a crack if you pay me”

-How does it feel to be chased down the street?

D – “I don’t wear the costume all the time, I’m a bricky.”

-Oh my! How much to repair a wall?

D – “It depends
”

-It’s a very small job, round the back. Just a case of filling the hole.
(Trixie leans into him) We’ll discuss it afterwards


(Book review)

-Well, today the only book review is from Genghis, would you please sign it for me?

(Trixie hands it to Danee-ree’s Tar-garden, who signs and hands it back)

-How did you like my book – Facebook Blues?

D – (burps), “Well, I loved it. The emotional pull towards the characters, the easy flow, and what happens next, is staggeringly brilliant. I couldn’t stop laughing. Sensational, and in my top 10 books”

(Trixie smiles, leans forward and kisses him, while rubbing his leg)

-Over to last weeks question: How thin is too thin?
Well, if you look like this on the dance floor, ladies, you are showing way too much bone.

(Video of skeleton dancing.)

This answer is from 16 year old Levi, from Milton Keynes, who simply says –
My friend is so thin, she can post herself. I think this is too thin, although I would have to say, that everyone has a different size box.

Ms. Ivy Turncoat says; – My friend is so thin I often lose her, and end up going home alone. I inevitably find her later, stuck to my clothing or shoes.

A Mr Peter Frump, says he likes a skinny woman, as he is 6 foot 3 inches tall, and weighs 7 stone, that’s 44 kilos.
He says his girlfriend is about the same height, and weight, and they strike an impressive couple, often causing people to stare.

-Well it’s a passionate subject, I think you’ll agree.

And to this weeks question; – What is the best make of car to cavort in?

Answers to the usual places, trixiebloom@hotmail.com, Facebook and Instagram as trixiebloom.author, or Twitter me senseless as @trixie_bloom

I’d like to thank todays guest, (clapping), and I’ll meet you round the back in a moment.

I’ll see you next time, remember to laugh and love, we must ALL care for each other.

Today’s show was bought to you by Dry Tunnel Thrush Cream, for the concerned lady.

(Dry Tunnel Logo)

(music plays out)

All of Trixie’s videos can be found at Trixie Bloom’s YouTube channel

Trixie Bloom is the author of Facebook Blues, a high camp comedy with fifty shades of funny. http://amzn.to/2vhrruC

and, Trixercise – a parody on exercise and diet –
http://amzn.to/2wCH4Ms

Find out the latest at http://trixiebloom.com

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