Tag: posture

Trixie’s Tiny Taverna ♄ Episode 3 – Comedy podcast and book review

Posted on by trixie

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This week Trixie meets special guest star Daneerys Targarden, from Game of Thrones, and talks about vegetables, Karen Carpenter and bricklaying


Click here to watch this comedy podcast on YouTube, featuring special guest from Game of Thrones, book reviews and advice on fashion, lifestyle and health and fitness.

Full Transcript

Welcome to the T.T.T. , Trixies Tiny Taverna.

And first, this weeks news.

In America the latest diet craze is sweeping the nation. Air-munching, filmed here, is taking hold of young and old.
(pic)
I tried it myself for 2 days, but then I felt very light headed, and returned to munching food.

Love; This week I pay tribute to the beautiful Karen Carpenter, and Chas from the comedy duo, Chas and Dave.

We all had a wild night of passion in 1971 after the Gwen Guthrey music awards, drinking Tequila slammers, and NiQuil.

This is a sample of the song I believe Chas recorded with Karen that night, I myself love it.

(plays spliced together mix of their songs – “Heartbreaks and Promises, got my beer on the sideboard ‘ere, we’ve only just begun, to rabbit, rabbit
”)

Now for emails –

A 42 year old Stan Knobby, of Mansfield, Nottingham asks;
Do vegetables grow in plastic bags all over the world?

Well, here in poverty-stricken rural Spain, where I do my charity work, the peasants actually grow their vegetables in real soil.

I was actually eating these veg myself, until I found out the composition of the soil. It’s made from all kinds of poo and corpses.
(picture of some poo, and some skeletons)

So, I’ve gone back to plastic bags. Here is a locally grown vegetable
( holds it up)
All it took was 15 gallons of local water, fetched twice a day by hand, and 3 broken spinal discs in the back
of the man that grew them.

I hope this helps Mr Knobby

I am only reading out one e-mail this week, as it’s a special episode.
I am very excited to be able to say, that here at the T.T.T. today, I have a guest –
-Danee-ree’s Tar-garden, from The wonderful Game of Thrones.

(fake clapping)

-Hello, Dennis!

“Alright
”

-How do you like being one of the world’s best known characters?
D – “It’s awright, gets me loads of juicy scran, and plenty of hole. You wouldn’t believe the amount of cock I’ve had since I’ve been on the set”

(D pulls a chicken out, while a cockerel noise plays).
(D grabs his crotch, drinks some beer, opens his mouth and does a giant belch.)

-Honestly, I wish all my viewers were here just to see the uncanny resemblance. Well I can say I am totally smitten with her as Delores Stinkborn Tagnut. May I touch your leg?

(D shrugs his shoulders, sticks his leg straight out. As Trixie rubs it, D lets out a big long fart. Trixie acts as if nothing has happened, smiling at the camera)

So, now it’s over to our real live phone-in –

“Hello, the name’s Tim Tremble. Are the dragons real?”

(D tuts, swears, leans over and cuts the phone off)

“Hello, Daisy Roadkill from Rochester here. What’s the best thing you’ve done as Danee-ree’s Tar-garden?

D – “Well, I shagged a dwarf, and made a new hole in a few people”

“ disgusting!
” (she hangs up)

-Next


“ Orl-right? This is Dave Smith, from Romford in Essex. I’d like to know, is that your real hair?”

D – “Yes, but I tie it up when I’m bricky-ing”

“Ooh! Nice, and how long would you say it is?”

D – “About 21 inches”

“Whooo, yep that is well impressive, mate.“

-Thank you, to all our callers. That’s all we have time for.

So, Dee, do you do every occasion dressed as your character – Delilah Stinkbomb?”

D – “I’ll go to the opening of a crack if you pay me”

-How does it feel to be chased down the street?

D – “I don’t wear the costume all the time, I’m a bricky.”

-Oh my! How much to repair a wall?

D – “It depends
”

-It’s a very small job, round the back. Just a case of filling the hole.
(Trixie leans into him) We’ll discuss it afterwards


(Book review)

-Well, today the only book review is from Genghis, would you please sign it for me?

(Trixie hands it to Danee-ree’s Tar-garden, who signs and hands it back)

-How did you like my book – Facebook Blues?

D – (burps), “Well, I loved it. The emotional pull towards the characters, the easy flow, and what happens next, is staggeringly brilliant. I couldn’t stop laughing. Sensational, and in my top 10 books”

(Trixie smiles, leans forward and kisses him, while rubbing his leg)

-Over to last weeks question: How thin is too thin?
Well, if you look like this on the dance floor, ladies, you are showing way too much bone.

(Video of skeleton dancing.)

This answer is from 16 year old Levi, from Milton Keynes, who simply says –
My friend is so thin, she can post herself. I think this is too thin, although I would have to say, that everyone has a different size box.

Ms. Ivy Turncoat says; – My friend is so thin I often lose her, and end up going home alone. I inevitably find her later, stuck to my clothing or shoes.

A Mr Peter Frump, says he likes a skinny woman, as he is 6 foot 3 inches tall, and weighs 7 stone, that’s 44 kilos.
He says his girlfriend is about the same height, and weight, and they strike an impressive couple, often causing people to stare.

-Well it’s a passionate subject, I think you’ll agree.

And to this weeks question; – What is the best make of car to cavort in?

Answers to the usual places, trixiebloom@hotmail.com, Facebook and Instagram as trixiebloom.author, or Twitter me senseless as @trixie_bloom

I’d like to thank todays guest, (clapping), and I’ll meet you round the back in a moment.

I’ll see you next time, remember to laugh and love, we must ALL care for each other.

Today’s show was bought to you by Dry Tunnel Thrush Cream, for the concerned lady.

(Dry Tunnel Logo)

(music plays out)

All of Trixie’s videos can be found at Trixie Bloom’s YouTube channel

Trixie Bloom is the author of Facebook Blues, a high camp comedy with fifty shades of funny. http://amzn.to/2vhrruC

and, Trixercise – a parody on exercise and diet –
http://amzn.to/2wCH4Ms

Find out the latest at http://trixiebloom.com

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Trixie’s Tiny Taverna ♄ Episode 2 – Comedy podcast and book review

Posted on by trixie

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe to Trixie Bloom Comedy! Android | Email | RSS

This week Trixie dives into gay men’s mothers, posture and pantie fresheners


Click here to watch this comedy podcast on YouTube featuring gay parents, book reviews and advice on fashion, lifestyle and health and fitness.

Transcript

Well, what a week it’s been. Thank you for all your emails.
A Mr B. Knuckle said he had never seen anything like my twerking.
Well I did warn you I was a professional. I do hate to undermine substandard dancers.
Thank you, Mr Knuckle.

I also received this –
(holds up gherkin)
– in the post this week, sent anonymously. A note with it simply warns against the dangers of over cock twerking.
Well this is an obvious case of over abuse.
All I can say, if your pickle looks like this, it’s time to stop.

Love; This week I pay homage to the sensational Suzy Quatro
(go to the side picture of Suzie Quatro (pic)

In 1972 when Suzie was on her Naked Under Leather Tour, I was her personal Leather Soaper, and I’m not abashed to admit I fell in Love with her.

Unfortunately we parted badly, as this was when I was heavily into my Botox and Quallude capsule addiction.

Here is one of her songs

(Devil Gate Drive 1974)

(Trixie sings) “So come alive, so come alive, down at the devil, down at the devil gate drive
”

Emails:

Firstly, I want to say a big thankyou, to A Mrs Barbara Lunge, from Quimmage on the mount, Quimmage, who endeared my heart.

Dear Trixie, Thank you so so much for writing your book Trixercise. It is invaluble to me now. In only 9 weeks
I have lost so much weight from my cheeks and earlobes that my husband has told me I look almost a month younger. Thank you thank you!

When I read mails like this, it warms me in my small places, and lets me know my constant struggle is worth it.

Slim earlobes are essential for trimming you down. Fat earlopes are an insult to jewelry.

A Mrs E. Pickles, of Chancey, Peterborough writes;

Dear Trixie, I am a divorcee, and 58 years old. I am at my wits end with worry, and when I saw your programme last week, I felt a flinching of hope inside me.

I have one child, called Pat, and he is a quite secretive child.
I must admit, over the years I have adopted a pet name for him, and call him Pattie.
As a mother I have tried to give him his privacy, and check up on him regularly.

One month ago, he was in his bedroom with his cousin, and the two of them had been very quiet for a while, so I went upstairs and burst into his room.
Well, I saw Pat giving Oral to Clifford. We all screamed, and Clifford left.
I confronted Pat straight away, and he said they they were only practicing, like giving lessons.

There is now a lot of tension at home, and I’m very worried, as next week its my Pattys 31st birthday, and his cousin will be coming here for the party.

Please please help.

Firstly Mrs E Pickles, how in the world can you conclude your son is gay from this?
I applaud anyone who wants to learn a foreign language, and they must be able to practice.

In case you are unsure here is a diagram.
(Diagram shows two stick people standing with speech bubbles, inside them it says Hola in Spanish. )
and here is the other,
(Diagram shows stick figures, one sitting, the other bending over giving him head)

However, here are some signs you can look for:

1. Does he start taking an interest in cooking? (holds up a lovely cake, and smells it) Nice


2. Is he surprisingly clean, and dressed fabulously. (holds up Skip Tumaloo dressed fab.)

3. He has become articulate, and interested in your needs. (tinseled man off-screen offers a cup of tea)
“Would you like a cup of tea?”

4. Most of all is he fun loving, and his life is full of colour.
(sounds of partying, laughing, a picture of a rainbow)

If the answer to these questions is Yes, then Yes, you have a Gay. (Trixie blows a party blower).
Trust me your life will become fantastic.
No more nights sitting in on your own, weeping with loneliness, wringing your tired, withered hands and worrying if your precious only son is gay.
Get out that dusty party dress, and your stay-fresh panty liner, and hold on to your knickers.

Next, A Mr Julian Laird, of Scotland asks;

What is the perfect posture when wearing a kilt?

A wonderful question, and I will demonstrate for you Mr Laird.
I call it posturing, there are 5 different types,

(demonstration)

Erect (stands upright)

Semi-stiff (demonstrates)

Flaccid (demonstrates)

Cock thrust, and this is the one you will be using MR Laird, where you lean back slightly, thrusting your pelvis forward. a good wide stance in the legs.

Good luck to you. (demonstrates)

Breast pluff (demonstates), which can also be used by us ladies.

by the way ladies, Flaccid, is an excellent word to use on men when they become a little ardent.

On The Pot Spone-in;

Hello, Lillian Gifford from Islington, North London.
At what age should ladies start wearing pantie fresheners?

Its never to early to start, just look at babies. Start popping them in straight away, Mary.
No one wants to smell your gusset.

Ohhh thanks I’m off to the shops then.

Book Review:

Drama: The Tiny Tribe of the Sea by Keith Cling.
It held me till about half way, and then it seemed to drift off.

Horror: Blood Bath of Children, by Gloria Angel.
This was highly amusing till almost the end.

Exercise: Trixercise, Loving Yourself Hurts, by me.

What can I say. You simply won’t believe it.

Now to some answers from last week’s question.
A Mrs June Cramp from Chipping Norton, Oxford, says;
Knickers in general used to be good, but just like men. you cant live without them!

This answer is from someone who simply gives their name as P.
Why wear any at all? Let nature flow between your legs.

I love this one, I think that’s my favourite.

71 year old Edith Witch, says that she totally agrees with my sentiments from last week, and maintains that the gusset of today would not have seen her through a world war. She persists with the older style of knicker, even though she does admit to regular chafing.

15 year old Sharon Upstart, from Staines, says;
You’re all a bunch of old bastards, and silk crotches are the future.

and this weeks question is:

How thin is too Thin?

Well my friend Laveene is about the size of a spoon, and she has a perfect figure.
She’s not the same height as a spoon, I would like to add.

You can contact me at trixiebloom@hotmail.com, or go to my website – trixiebloom.com,
Instagram, and of course Twitter me senseless.

Thank you for joining me, hug one another, and if there is no-one to hug, hug yourself.
(Trixie demonstrates)

Remember to Love and laugh, we must all care for each other.
Today’s programme was sponsored by;

Radiant Knickers,

Knickers You can Trust.

(music plays out)

Trixie Bloom is the author of Facebook Blues, a high camp comedy with fifty shades of funny. http://amzn.to/2vhrruC

and, Trixercise – a parody on exercise and diet –
http://amzn.to/2wCH4Ms

Find out the latest at http://trixiebloom.com

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