This week Trixie dives into gay men’s mothers, posture and pantie fresheners…
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Well, what a week it’s been. Thank you for all your emails.
A Mr B. Knuckle said he had never seen anything like my twerking.
Well I did warn you I was a professional. I do hate to undermine substandard dancers.
Thank you, Mr Knuckle.
I also received this –
(holds up gherkin)
– in the post this week, sent anonymously. A note with it simply warns against the dangers of over cock twerking.
Well this is an obvious case of over abuse.
All I can say, if your pickle looks like this, it’s time to stop.
Love; This week I pay homage to the sensational Suzy Quatro
(go to the side picture of Suzie Quatro (pic)
In 1972 when Suzie was on her Naked Under Leather Tour, I was her personal Leather Soaper, and I’m not abashed to admit I fell in Love with her.
Unfortunately we parted badly, as this was when I was heavily into my Botox and Quallude capsule addiction.
Here is one of her songs
(Devil Gate Drive 1974)
(Trixie sings) “So come alive, so come alive, down at the devil, down at the devil gate drive…”
Firstly, I want to say a big thankyou, to A Mrs Barbara Lunge, from Quimmage on the mount, Quimmage, who endeared my heart.
Dear Trixie, Thank you so so much for writing your book Trixercise. It is invaluble to me now. In only 9 weeks
I have lost so much weight from my cheeks and earlobes that my husband has told me I look almost a month younger. Thank you thank you!
When I read mails like this, it warms me in my small places, and lets me know my constant struggle is worth it.
Slim earlobes are essential for trimming you down. Fat earlopes are an insult to jewelry.
A Mrs E. Pickles, of Chancey, Peterborough writes;
Dear Trixie, I am a divorcee, and 58 years old. I am at my wits end with worry, and when I saw your programme last week, I felt a flinching of hope inside me.
I have one child, called Pat, and he is a quite secretive child.
I must admit, over the years I have adopted a pet name for him, and call him Pattie.
As a mother I have tried to give him his privacy, and check up on him regularly.
One month ago, he was in his bedroom with his cousin, and the two of them had been very quiet for a while, so I went upstairs and burst into his room.
Well, I saw Pat giving Oral to Clifford. We all screamed, and Clifford left.
I confronted Pat straight away, and he said they they were only practicing, like giving lessons.
There is now a lot of tension at home, and I’m very worried, as next week its my Pattys 31st birthday, and his cousin will be coming here for the party.
Please please help.
Firstly Mrs E Pickles, how in the world can you conclude your son is gay from this?
I applaud anyone who wants to learn a foreign language, and they must be able to practice.
In case you are unsure here is a diagram.
(Diagram shows two stick people standing with speech bubbles, inside them it says Hola in Spanish. )
and here is the other,
(Diagram shows stick figures, one sitting, the other bending over giving him head)
However, here are some signs you can look for:
1. Does he start taking an interest in cooking? (holds up a lovely cake, and smells it) Nice…
2. Is he surprisingly clean, and dressed fabulously. (holds up Skip Tumaloo dressed fab.)
3. He has become articulate, and interested in your needs. (tinseled man off-screen offers a cup of tea)
“Would you like a cup of tea?”
4. Most of all is he fun loving, and his life is full of colour.
(sounds of partying, laughing, a picture of a rainbow)
If the answer to these questions is Yes, then Yes, you have a Gay. (Trixie blows a party blower).
Trust me your life will become fantastic.
No more nights sitting in on your own, weeping with loneliness, wringing your tired, withered hands and worrying if your precious only son is gay.
Get out that dusty party dress, and your stay-fresh panty liner, and hold on to your knickers.
Next, A Mr Julian Laird, of Scotland asks;
What is the perfect posture when wearing a kilt?
I call it posturing, there are 5 different types,
Erect (stands upright)
Cock thrust, and this is the one you will be using MR Laird, where you lean back slightly, thrusting your pelvis forward. a good wide stance in the legs.
Good luck to you. (demonstrates)
Breast pluff (demonstates), which can also be used by us ladies.
by the way ladies, Flaccid, is an excellent word to use on men when they become a little ardent.
On The Pot Spone-in;
Hello, Lillian Gifford from Islington, North London.
At what age should ladies start wearing pantie fresheners?
Its never to early to start, just look at babies. Start popping them in straight away, Mary.
No one wants to smell your gusset.
Ohhh thanks I’m off to the shops then.
Drama: The Tiny Tribe of the Sea by Keith Cling.
It held me till about half way, and then it seemed to drift off.
Horror: Blood Bath of Children, by Gloria Angel.
This was highly amusing till almost the end.
Exercise: Trixercise, Loving Yourself Hurts, by me.
What can I say. You simply won’t believe it.
Now to some answers from last week’s question.
A Mrs June Cramp from Chipping Norton, Oxford, says;
Knickers in general used to be good, but just like men. you cant live without them!
This answer is from someone who simply gives their name as P.
Why wear any at all? Let nature flow between your legs.
I love this one, I think that’s my favourite.
71 year old Edith Witch, says that she totally agrees with my sentiments from last week, and maintains that the gusset of today would not have seen her through a world war. She persists with the older style of knicker, even though she does admit to regular chafing.
15 year old Sharon Upstart, from Staines, says;
You’re all a bunch of old bastards, and silk crotches are the future.
and this weeks question is:
How thin is too Thin?
Well my friend Laveene is about the size of a spoon, and she has a perfect figure.
She’s not the same height as a spoon, I would like to add.
Thank you for joining me, hug one another, and if there is no-one to hug, hug yourself.
Remember to Love and laugh, we must all care for each other.
Today’s programme was sponsored by;
Knickers You can Trust.
(music plays out)
Trixie Bloom is the author of Facebook Blues, a high camp comedy with fifty shades of funny. http://amzn.to/2vhrruC
and, Trixercise – a parody on exercise and diet –
Find out the latest at http://trixiebloom.com